he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
