you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
