My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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