i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
not ubering you a puppy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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