New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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