Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
