We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
