Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
