I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
