Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
