Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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