Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
