I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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