i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
