I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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