I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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