Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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