you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
