He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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