Your mouth is God's brothel.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
