Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Of course I have a pirate flag
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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