i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
