I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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