I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
