i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
birth control should be required to get into college
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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