the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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