If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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