I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
