im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
