Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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