Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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