I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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