If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
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he confused my yawn for an orgasm
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
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When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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