I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
