She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
