she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
