Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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