her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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