I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
