I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
