My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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