and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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