I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
