I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
