Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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