Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
