She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I still have a little drunk in my system
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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