Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
