Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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