mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
