you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
