the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Randomize
