I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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