you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
