she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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