my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
