woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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