I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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