I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
