I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Found your dick twin last night
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Drunk is a universal language darling
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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